


To The World We Are Currently Inhabiting (However Unvoluntarily)

by RoanOaks



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst for daaaayyysss, Angst for days, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, But mostly angst, Dont know how to tag this, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Needs A Hug, Flashbacks, Gen, IS THIS ENOUGH TAGS TO GET NOTUCED?? JFC, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Like, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki is Powerless, Loki is a stripper, Lots of attacks, M/M, Multi, Not SUPER slow burn, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Past Rape, Peter Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter is a stripper, Sassy, Sassy Loki (Marvel), Sassy Peter, Spideypool - Freeform, Stripper AU, Strippers, They have GPD, Whoop Whoop, angst tho, aus amiright?, breakdowns, but like kinda slow burn, eeeeey, flashbacks and lots of implied shit, fluff comes after, fuck this shit im out, gammafrost - Freeform, gammafrost centric, gimme some tags if u read?, jesus fucking christ the angst, jfc the angst, lol, mildly sped burn, past trauma, peter and loki are buds, so many hugs, there is so much angst, this will eventually have a spideypool centric sequel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-01-29 12:10:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12630798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoanOaks/pseuds/RoanOaks
Summary: Loki is sent down to Midgard (Earth) Without his powers. He wakes up in a dumpster. A year passes with various traumatic incidents that leave him mentally more unhinged then he ever was. Cue meeting Peter Parker, AKA Spider-Man. They become strippers. This is what happens next.





	1. CHAPTER ONE: Tree Fluggers

**Author's Note:**

> HEEEY so thanks for clicking on this mess of a Fic. I ask that if you think of tags please give them to me. ALSO, shoutout to CelynAndrews for being the most wonderful editor on the planet. I guess, enjoy?
> 
> PS: Ignore the chap titles.  
> PS AGAIN: If you seen any weird symbols like â€™ randomly thrown in, please tell me. I'm not sure how they got there, but they did.

Loki sighed. His head ached. He was trying to remember why it was he was at such a place, doing this type of work. It wasn't as though he found the other people working here beneath him - he thought everyone was, in all honesty - but he simply never thought he'd end up in this type of place, within these specific circumstances. He glared at the speakers, which were blasting some racket midgardians called music. The noise was serving to worsen his headache.

****

These were strange circumstances. Here he was, in a strip club on midgard. Wearing something shamefully close to nothing. Not that he cared, as he was never quite ashamed of his body. Furthermore, he was stripped of damn near all his powers. And unlike that not-brother of his, Thor, he never had the good fortune of an easy ride. He hadn't fallen in love with a midgardian and then foolishly decided he did not want the throne. He woke up in a dumpster. He had since then damn near been raped, then he had actually been raped. Then he had been sold as a slave, after that became addicted to drugs, worked as a prostitute, eventually got out of that particular line of business, rehabbed, and now worked as a stripper.

****

"Loki, Peter's- I think he's having an attack," a coworker, of his, Amice, whispered to him. Loki blinked, that was another recent addition to his life. Peter Parker, sometimes known as Spider-Man depending on what he was wearing, was his, well, friend, for lack of a better term. The unlikely duo had formed when he found the brunette having a panic attack in an alleyway. In addition to the other depressible things happening to him, Loki had begun experiencing panic and anxiety attacks. He missed his magic, which would have suppressed such hideous outbursts in the past.

****

"Where is he?" Loki responded, turning towards the woman.

****

"In the bathroom," she replied, and Loki began swiftly heading towards the bathroom.

****

"Peter?" He called. He could hear the man's short gasps of breath from a stall as he walked over to it. He knocked on the door. He was met with the sound of Peter choking. Fortunately, the door swung open with a small touch. Peter was pale, his head in between his knees, and his arms tucked under his chest. He was sweating profusely as he gasped for breath. Loki crouched down in front of Peter.

****

"Peter," he tried again, "Breathe in with me. I'm going to count to ten, breathe in at one and out at five. Come on Peter, you can't damn well die of asphyxiation on me. Breathe in, one, two, three, four, five, out, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, Come on Peter," He repeated the process a few more times, reassuring Peter he was going to be okay. Peter calmed down very soon after, breathing hard as tears began to form in his eyes.

****

"I-I'm better..." He mumbled.

****

"That's wonderful." Loki's words were slightly sarcastic before he added "Breathe with me one more time," in a completely serious tone. He repeated the numbers and watched Peter sit up, arching his back in an attempt to stretch.

****

"At least I didn't throw up again." Peter mused after a few minutes of silence.

****

"Yes, I'd rather hate to be covered in vomit again." Loki tried for a smile but found his concern refused to let him.

****

"I know," Peter mumbled to Loki, "but I can't get medicine - Aunt May's getting worse."

****

"I accept that Peter, but my opinion does not change."

****

"You should get medicine too." Peter pointed out, "but you won't"

****

"I won't need it, soon."

****

"My opinion won't change either."

****

"Do not throw my words back as if the meaning is the same. Now, unfortunately, we must wait the tables."

****

"Alright." Loki could see how spent the brown-eyed man was after the attack.

****

"I'll work some of your tables." He offered with a weary sigh.

****

"No- You don't hav-"

****

"Nonsense, let's go Peter." He offered Peter his hand and the twenty-three year old pulled himself up with Loki's help. They walked out of the bathroom together, Peter looking like he'd been through hell and Loki mostly bored.

****

They then turned around and walked right back in where they came from.

****

"What are they doing here?" Peter panicked.

****

"Perhaps they came to see a show." Loki, hiding his similar feelings responded monotonously.

****

"Obviously! Why this club- Oh god, what if they see me... What if they see you??" Peter maundered on some more, and Loki lifted a hand in a gesture to silence him.

****

"Peter, quiet. I will handle the Avengers. You've just had a panic attack. Wait a different table."

****

"What- No- I can't possibly-"

****

"Peter." Loki's tone was firm, final. He leveled Peter with a  _ look _ .

****

"Alright, if you insist. Only if you don't wait some of my tables." Peter sagged in acceptance. Nobody could deter the god once he had his mind set.

****

"Fine." Lok turned, pulling out a notepad as he walked. He strolled quickly to the table, wishing Odin would smite him as he arrived at the table. "Do you wish to make an order?" he questioned wearily. The Avengers were too engrossed in their conversation to notice who was Â serving. Bruce choked when he saw, leading to the whole group focussing their beady little eyes in his direction. Loki wondered briefly how such clueless and apparently inattentive people managed to save this horrid planet. Loki raised an eyebrow.

****

"Is that a no on an order? Hold on-" A jab at Loki's side caused him to jump. "Damn it-" Loki whipped around, sending a glare to the midget that had jabbed his side playfully with a one freakishly long nail. The midget was a rather troublesome coworker of his who had taken to personally attempting to pester Loki with pokes and prods. The last time the midget, who Loki still could not name, bothered him, Loki had stabbed him multiple times with a pen and then proceeded to insult the midget and pepper him with scathing remarks and manipulate said midget into tears. Peter later yelled at him and told Loki that was  _ not  _ how you treated irritating people.

****

"Aw, Loki don't be like that~" Came his playful tone. Loki levelled him with a glare, causing the midget to look rather afraid as he thought back to the last time he had irked the god. The midget paled and suddenly regretted his idiocy. Loki questioned if the midget really was a responsible, functioning adult.

****

"I will rip you apart." Loki said simply, "Unfortunately I'm waiting tables. I hope you know last time wasn't an exception." The midget paled. What was his name again?

****

"I- Um- No-" He scurried off, deciding that he really shouldn't bother Loki again.

****

"Damnable midget with his stupid fingernails. Honestly, such a bother." Loki sighed exasperatedly, turning towards the table.

****

"Wow, sunk low much?" Tony finally managed to come up with, a little shocked at the god who he had formerly found intimidating. Tony vaguely wondered what happened to Loki in the three years in which they didn't see him.

****

"Only a cowardly human such as yourself would treat someone you're throwing money at out of appreciation for their bodies like such utter dirt." Loki said shortly. "Order?"

****

"I'll take a water." Bruce offered.

****

"We need to arrest you." Stever spoke up in a strangely accusing voice.

****

"Arresting me is  _ not  _ on the menu." Loki responded, "However if you'd pay extra for a fetish play, it could be."

****

"Not like that!" Steve's face grew redder by the second. Loki smirked.

****

"Oh, would you prefer I do the arresting?"

****

"No!" Steve looked flustered and maybe a little horrified at how quickly his words were screwed around against him.

****

"What. Is. Your. Order?" Loki said through gritted teeth as he gave a false smile. He was glad to see only Tony, Steve, Bruce, another in a red suit and mask with various weapons on his person, and the Black Widow were there.

****

"Vodka." Black Widow responded, seemingly unfazed by the god.

****

"Strawberry Margarita!" The man in the red suit shouted out to Loki, the wide smile on his face visible through the mask.

"Why, shitpool? It's not going to affect you."

****

"Shut it Iron Fart. You're just pissed that you're paying and I'm taking full advantage." The man responded. Loki smirked.

****

"Whiskey." Steve finally ordered. Loki nodded curtly.

****

"Alright, your drinks will be coming soon, along with your menus." Loki said, adding the last part as he realized the table seemed to be lacking menus. He turned away, The music's volume raised. Loki cursed. That meant the shows were starting, he walked away quickly, telling Amice that the table next to the door needed menus as he went up to the bar to grab the drinks from the bartender.

****

"Next we have Rodeo!" Came an announcement from the loudspeaker as the next stripper came up. Loki cursed. He was the second to last person to go up, true, but there were only around ten strippers working that night. He hoped the Avengers would be leaving soon, as unlikely as it would seem, seeing as they had just arrived.

****

Once the drinks had all been made, he put them on a tray and walked over to the Avengers. He tuned out their more obscene commentary, deciding if he didn't speak back they'd get uninterested and perhaps even leave. as he handed out the drinks. He was ready to ask for the heroes orders when Peter suddenly ran up to him.

****

"Loki! Loki!" Peter repeated the name, looking horrified as he stood next to the god.

****

"What?" Loki snapped, what was the point of waiting this specific table with these imbeciles if the person he's hiding from them runs up to him?

****

"We were moved in the show because Kal wanted to be last and the manager still hates us! We're up fourth and fifth!"

****

"We're  _ what _ ?!" Loki hissed. The oncoming anxiety attack was crashing down in his head in waves, drowning him in his barely held back emotions. Peter sent him a look of concern as the ravenette dug his fingers into his palm, leaving painful looking little crescent indents on his hand.

****

"I'm sorry, I didn't know at all!"

****

"You don't need to be sorry, you weren't responsible for the change." Loki noticed the other man was swaying. The attack had taken quite a bit out of the poor man.

****

"After your show. you're going home." He stated with a sigh.

****

"What- I can't-" Peter stammered, looking horrified at the thought of going home.

****

"Peter, for someone with your intellect you can be quite foolish. You can barely stay awake as it is."

****

"I've stayed up through worse! Besides, you're not doing much better yourself! Can you even do a show?"

****

"I don't care. I refuse to let you ruin yourself. If your reason is money I'll just make extra for us. And yes, I can do a show." He waved the younger man away, who then proceeded to sigh in defeat. Nobody could change the god's mind once it was made.

****

"Never took you for a good person." Steve commented.

****

"Good? No. I am worse than you could possibly imagine" Loki responded. "Food?"

****

Loki cleaned a table and then went to get ready. He mostly ended up sitting in a chair and trying to pull himself together. Loki found this was damn near impossible, but he assumed it wouldn't worsen to greatly if he got through the show quickly.

****

"Next up, Loki!" Loki's blood froze as he fought back an attack. He was fighting, but he could feel his heart rate rising and he was getting dizzy. He fought to breathe as he stepped up. He hadn't realized how horridly hard he had been fighting this attack until it mattered. He wished he hadn't told Peter he was okay, he'd get an earful about that one.

****

He made it five minutes before falling onto one knee, clutching his throat. Fear flooding his system, he couldn't breathe. His mind spun, and he was dizzy. He felt sick, and sweaty and he couldn't move.

****

Peter ran up to him, not even ten seconds after he fell.

****

"Loki, Loki, Come one. Breathe with me. One, Two, Three, Four, Five-" Loki couldn't breathe. He felt like he was choking. He was getting more worked up.

****

"Loki!" Peter snatched Loki's wrist from his neck, holding them away. "You're fine, just breathe. Don't focus on anything else. One, Two, Three, Four, Five, that's right, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten." Peter was repeating numbers and Loki was trying to breathe. He could feel himself breathing, and he was sweating really bad. He felt so sick, so, so, miserably sick. Loki shot up, running to the bathroom.

****

Loki felt miserable as he wretched. His mind kept looping over and over. Miserable. miserable, how could he have become so pathetic? He used to be a god, powerful! He never worried about dysphoria and attacks. He'd never have become a stripper or a prostitute or a drug addict. He was dry heaving now, his stomach didn't have anything to vomit. He could hear the music to Peter's show. Loki coughed, was that blood leaving his throat?

****

He didn't blame Peter for continuing on to the show. It was a promise he made Peter promise. No matter how far into an attack, Peter still had to go on a show. Peter needed money. Loki's needs would come second. How long had he been in the bathroom?

****

Loki was finally done, he leaned back. His back hitting the stall door as he stared at the contents of the toilet. The bathrooms were filthy. He flushed the toilet, stumbling out of the stall to wash his face. He was tired. He couldn't work even if he tried. He'd probably be fired, having an attack on the stage again like that.

****

Loki felt panic at the thought. He couldn't be fired, this was the best he had managed to do here as a human. He couldn't go back, he'd made it, finally, after two years. No, no, no. It would not be okay if he was fired.

****

He'd have to start all over again. Oh gods, what if they found him? Peter had assured him they were gone but what if they got out? Loki squeezed his eyes shut, clutching the edge of the sink.

****

"Are you happy?" He asked wearily to the roof. "Haven't you tortured me enough?" His voice cracked. He hoped he wouldn't get fired. He hadn't served the Avengers their food yet, if they did order food. He had to go wait the table. He left the bathroom, walking towards the table.

****

"Do you need anything else?" Loki's voice was dry.

****

"What happened to you?" Tony asked. "All I heard was gasps and then you were on the ground and Peter was helping you out."

****

"Do you need anything else?" Loki didn't want to respond. He had dignity. A memory pinged into him and he bit back a wince. He had dignity. He did!

****

"How does it feel to be human? Are you still better than everyone else?" Tony was tipsy. He had stolen one of his table member's drinks.

****

"I-" Loki's voice was dry, he broke skin as he dug his fingernails into his palm. He swallowed, trying to take some of the dry from his throat. "Do you need anything else?"

****

"Tony, stop." Steve grumbled. The man in the red suit was gone. Come to think of it- So had Peter's show. How long had he been in the bathroom? Where was Peter?

****

"No, I want to know." Tony waved Steve away. Where was the Black Widow? Gone, probably. She had somewhere to be. Loki had known by the discreet glances she had been making to the clock.

****

"Do you-"

****

"Have anything else? Yes. I want you to answer the question."

****

"Tony, please stop." Bruce said quietly.

****

"No, no, no. Answer the question, Loki."

****

"I do not need to meet your demands."

****

"Loki?" Loki turned to see Peter with the man in the red suit. "This is Wade, um, so, I just gave him a lap dance and he seems pretty cool, and I'm tired and very attracted so if I could just steal our apartment-"

****

"It's fine." Loki stopped Peter. He could read Peter's intentions. He looked at Wade. "I would say not to harm him, but it's more likely you won't be able to. If you do, however, succeed in harming him at all, I will personally make sure you manage to die."

****

"Yessiree! You don't have to worry, I'd never hurt Petey!" Wade chuckled, and then they were off. Peter cast Loki an apologetic glance. Loki levelled him with a look. Peter responded with a look of distaste. Loki rolled his eyes. Peter smirked before his eyes grew serious. Loki nodded.

****

This exchange of looks otherwise translated roughly to:

****

_ Peter: I'm sorry. _

_ Loki: Don't be sorry. _

_ Peter: I'm allowed to be concerned for you! _

_ Loki: Right. _

_ Peter: Aw, you care! For real though, you good? _

_ Loki: Good enough. _

****

"What's up with you and Peter?"

****

"None of your business."

****

"Uh-Huh it is my business!"

****

"I'm taking you home, Tony. I'm sorry Loki." Steve said curtly, Loki nodded. Bruce was left. He stared at Bruce.

****

"Hello." Bruce said, Loki found he liked Bruce's voice, it was soft and although not quiet, it did have a low enough tone to come across as quiet.

****

"Hello, is there anything else you need?" Loki responded. He was tired, he swayed. He realized he couldn't go home because Peter and Wade we're there.

****

"Are you okay?" Bruce asked. Loki could feel his vision, and the blackness creeping in. Loki felt irritance creep up. Were the Avengers unable to say they needed something else? He just wanted to get them out so he could leave.

****

"Yes," Loki blinked away the sleep, "Tired, I need to find a place to sleep." Loki blamed the tiredness for his lack of filter. He would have never said he needed to find a place to sleep to anyone had he been awake.

****

"Earlier... What was that?"

****

"Yes." Loki was sure it was the tiredness. Never would he have said yes otherwise. Was yes even a suitable answer to that question?

****

"Would you like to sit down?" Bruce asked. Loki nodded, sitting down. He was so, so tired. Bruce appeared hesitant, and Loki found he couldn't understand why. He wished he hadn't been so tired. Reading people was easier when he didn't want to pass out. From what he could tell, Bruce was very bad at discreetly checking people out.

****

"Would you like to stay at my place?" Bruce finally asked as he watched Loki fight sleep. Loki was about to respond when he quickly added, "You just need a place to sleep and I figured since no one else lives with me, you might just take the offer."

****

"Alright, that seems like a relatively alright offer." Loki watched Bruce nod before they slipped into a silence. Loki's head rolled back, leaning against the cushions of the booth as he tiredly closed his eyes. He fought of sleep, and sickness, and an unrelenting hunger he couldn't sate because he'd vomit up anything he tried to eat. He hated being human. Did he just repeat the word  _ alright _ ? He cringed at that.

****

"Do you want to go now?" Bruce finally asked. He eyed the check that Tony had paid at some point before being dragged off.

****

"Mm," Loki grumbled in agreement. He was weary, when tired he was vulnerable.

****

"Alright, let's go." Loki felt he should tell someone he was leaving early but he could barely keep his eyes open.

****

"Mm, alright." Loki stumbled to his feet, following Bruce out. He slid into the passenger seat of Bruce's car.

****

~

****

Loki's eyes snapped open. He'd fallen asleep. He looked around wildly, unaware of his surroundings. Tiredness was still heavy in his bones but he wouldn't go back to sleep unless he knew he was safe.

****

"Loki?" He stared at the man in the driver's seat of the car.

****

"Dr. Banner?" Loki's lips felt dry. He remembered where he was. He sat up, looking out the window and saw a rather nice house. It was large, but not large enough to be a mansion. Still better than his and Peter's apartment, which was just barely holding on and couldn't really fit the two.

****

"This is my house, follow me I'll take you to a guest room." Loki shook his head at Bruce.

****

"Couch. I'll sleep on the couch. Closer to an exit." He opened the car door, stumbling out. Did that make sense? Where was the couch in Bruce's house?

****

"Alright." Bruce didn't know how to respond, but Loki looked tired and he didn't particularly want to argue with his house guest. Who he only asked to stay over on a whim of mild attraction and well, pity. Loki had seemed so much more vulnerable than when he saw him, about three years ago. Back when Loki had tried to take over the planet.

****

He lead Loki into the house, upon which Loki fell onto the couch (which was literally a few feet away from the door) and subsequently passed out about a second later. Bruce watched with a mild interest, before heading off to his lab. He had stuff to do and it being eleven o'clock at night wouldn't change that.

****

~

****

Loki's eyes snapped open again, he rubbed his eyes, looking around and taking in Bruce's living room. He was unsure how to feel, and unsure why he was feeling so safe. He was in a near stranger's house, only there because he had been to tired to make a better decision, and was feeling, well, safe. And maybe it was because he was in an Avengers house, and Avenger's houses must be rather secure. Perhaps it was because he was awake now, and he could fight off anyone who did want to harm him.

****

A lot of people did. Within his first week here, he had been attacked by at least five gods. Six months in and he had been tricked by them. Them being a single person, who he had trusted. He stopped thinking about this as fear and paranoia rose up to greet him from the depths of whatever was left of his brain.

****

He sat up, then he stood up. Looking around, he found the kitchen and wandered in. Perhaps he'd bake? He'd taken up the hobby recently. He went to dig into the cabinets when a knock at Bruce's front door stopped him from grabbing the flour.

****

Fear and paranoia were horrible things, he knew. His mind raced to tell him it was them at the door. Maybe it was another god. Perhaps his dealer found a debt he hadn't yet paid. An old client? His mind raced. His hands started to shake.

****

He dug his fingernails into his palm, hoping to steady his nerves. Bruce walked in, and immediately saw Loki. Loki looked at the door questioningly. He couldn't speak, his voice would shake and he didn't want to look more vulnerable than he was. The knock sounded again and Loki's heart rate spiked. He felt a familiar sickness flood him. He hoped he wouldn't get dizzy. He knew it was an attack once he got dizzy. Bruce answered the door, concern in his features.

****

"Hey Brucey!"  _ Loki never thought he'd ever feel so relieved to hear Tony Stark's voice _ . He let out a breath he'd been holding. His sickness left quickly after and only the shaking stayed. He could deal with the shaking. He felt a pinprick of pain as he drew blood in his palms.

****

"Bruce, I meant to ask, is there a particular flavor of cupcake you prefer?" Loki sounded a confidence he'd learned to perfectly fake over the years. He went to find more ingredients when Bruce responded.

****

"I don't like sweet things very much." Loki could feel Bruce's questing gaze like a hot iron spike. Loki shrugged.

****

"And you, Mr. Stark?" Loki called out. Tony pushed past Bruce and peered curiously at Loki. Tony cast Bruce a look.

****

"What the hell is Loki doing in your kitchen?" Tony asked as Loki grabbed the flour. He was surprised at the fact that he found all the ingredients he needed.

****

"I'll just make red velvet then." Loki commented as he tried to find the eggs. He wrinkled his nose at the rancid smell emanating from inside the fridge. He hoped the eggs weren't bad. He had gotten just about everything he needed, so he filled a bowl full of cold water and watched the eggs float.

****

They were bad. Loki sighed as he debated whether he could use the eggs. He dropped some more in the water, and found some of them did sink. He gathered the ones that sank and threw away the ones that didn't.

****

About twenty minutes had passed since Tony came over and he and Bruce were somewhere else in the house. Loki began to mix things together when he heard footsteps. Loki tried to ignore the sound as he put cupcake paper in the pans and preheated the oven. Tony stepped into the kitchen.

****

"So, really, what happened to you?" Tony asked as he watched Loki crack eggs into a bowl.

****

"What do you mean?" Loki questioned wearily as he dumped dry ingredients into another bowl.

****

"Why are you down here, not up there scheming and being all... you?" Tony responded.

****

"I'm working out a master plan." Loki said simply as he mixed the dry ingredients with the wet.

****

"Right."

****

"I am, in fact, as we speak, I have an army ready to descend and burn this miserable planet into ash."

****

"Really?"

****

"No." Loki's tone seemed final as he dropped some food coloring in a bowl and mixed, before pouring the contents into the pan. The oven beeped and he put the trays in. Loki set a timer. He went about making the frosting. Which only took him about five minutes. He opened the fridge, wrinkling his nose at the smell. He pulled out a milk carton, taking a small whiff. He gagged, tossing it in the trash.

****

Tony watched in mild curiosity as Loki cleaned out Bruce's kitchen in about forty minutes. The oven beeped, and he watched Loki check if the cupcakes were done before pulling them out and resuming the cleaning. Loki seemed rather harmless. Tony was about to nab a cupcake when a knife lodged into the cutting board next to his hand. He yanked both his hands back.

****

"The cupcakes aren't done you greedy fool." Loki grumbled as he finished up the dishes. He felt the cupcakes, making sure they were cool before he grabbed a serving platter and iced them. Tony was staring at Loki in horror. "Stop staring, I'm told it's rude."

****

"Were you always this good at baking and knives?" Tony gawked. Loki looked at Tony with mild exasperation.

****

"You realize me and Thor were trained by the same people? We grew up together on  _ Asgard _ ."

****

"But- You always-" Tony resigned to snatching a cupcake.

****

"I used the staff because I like magic. I prefer it over hand-to-hand combat." Loki explained wearily as he took a cupcake and sat down at the couch. Tony was surprised at how good they were and took a few more.

****

"Tony? What are you doing?" Bruce called as he walked through a door. He paused at the scene before him. Loki sitting on the couch, searching for a remote to the tv and Tony devouring a cupcake in the kitchen. He raised an eyebrow.

****

"Tony is trying not to how do you midgardians put it... 'check me out' without me noticing. Are all Avengers this bad at subtly?" Loki said to Bruce's raised eyebrow. He took a bite out of the cupcake and Bruce was stuck staring at Loki's lips.

****

"You actually made cupcakes?" He asked finally. Loki blinked at him.

****

"Yes. If your going to stare at my lips like that, please do so a little less obviously." Came his response. Bruce's face tinted pink. He walked over to the kitchen and curiously grabbed a cupcake, taking a small bite.

****

"This is actually really good." He commented. Tony nodded in agreement, unable to speak through the mouthful of cupcake. Loki gave up on his search for the remote. They settled into a comfortable silence and the day went on like any other.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it might come out weird since I no longer am doing Rich text. I'm sorry. No italics. I just can't rn.

Bruce awoke to the smell of a wonderful smelling breakfast, and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Who was cooking? He couldn't be, for one, he really couldn't make anything but toast without risk of burning the house to the ground and two, he had just woken up. Bruce sat up, wandering out of his room to the kitchen. The sight of Loki shirtless and cooking he found made Bruce want to drool. He resigned to watching Loki for a moment. Which turned into a minute. Than five. He hadn't actually noticed Loki staring back at him.

"Are you going to keep staring at me?" Loki questioned as he bit into a piece of bacon. Bruce blinked.

That's right. Loki was at his house. For some reason, Loki had managed to worm his way into Bruce's everyday life so quickly Bruce forgot that Loki was only supposed to stay one night.

He wasn't sure how it happened, either. He had asked Loki if Loki wanted to stay the night because he had seen Loki tired, miserable, and at the time only vaguely attractive. He had pitied him, really. So he had asked if Loki would like to stay the night. Besides, if Bruce was being entirely honest with himself, Loki did make good eye candy. Only a little, though. Okay, fine. A lot.

Loki passed out on the couch and made cupcakes the next day, which had seemingly earned Tony's stamp of approval when he arrived that morning. Then Bruce took Loki to work and he figured that was the end of that. Until Loki showed up at his doorstep, one in the morning, the next night. He had opened the door and watched in mild confusion as Loki passed out on the couch.

Naturally, he figured Loki was just staying another night and would be gone the next day. So, when he woke up the next morning to Loki making some omelettes and coffee he was a little surprised, though not unpleasantly (Because, again, Loki was serious eye candy.). He found out that morning that Loki had also cleaned his kitchen at some point, and his living room, to, apparently. He and Loki interacted with polite nods and Loki pretended to ignore Bruce's stares. Bruce never noticing when Loki took a little too long watching Bruce (Apparently Loki was the only one who had mastered the art of subtlety.). 

Naturally, Bruce took Loki to work that day to, thinking yet again that this would be his last encounter with the God-turned-human. He had spent some of the night oddly sad about it to, until Loki showed up again at two in the morning this time and passed out on the couch, again.

So of course, Bruce figured again that it would be the last day. That Bruce would wake up from sleep later in the morning and Loki would be gone. But no, this time Bruce woke up to the smell of chocolate-chip waffles and coffee and sausages. And Bruce had also found out that Loki had cleared out the dining room as well, which suddenly looked inhabitable again.

And these events repeated for a week, which consisted of Loki making breakfast, leaving before lunch and then random rooms in the house suddenly being cleaned. So of course, all though Bruce was happy for the eye candy and was admittedly beginning to feel rather comforted by Loki's sudden presence. He was still rather curious as to when Loki would, well, leave. Bruce grabbed a plate of eggs and bacon. He figured he would ask Loki this morning.

"Loki," He began. He was about to continue when he got caught in those rather intoxicating green eyes again. The question died in his throat.

"Did you call my name to stare at my eyes or were you going to inquire about something?"

"Oh, well you've been staying here for a week now..." He began, but those eyes were wrapping him up.

"Yes, and?" Loki pressed, he blinked and Bruce looked down.

And got a nice eyeful of Loki's chest.

"Right, well I was wondering if you were leaving... soon? It's just that I'd like to know when you were leaving?"

"You sound unsure." Loki responded, then continued. "I have no idea as to when I am leaving. Peter will call me when he's done with the apartment. Until then, enjoy staring at me." Loki shrugged, and he got his own plate.

"All right."

And of course, that was all they spoke for the next three days, unless of course it was Loki teasing Bruce for staring at him.

It was on the fourth day, that Bruce walked in on Loki having a panic attack. Now, Bruce did know Loki had panic attacks. He did not know that most of the time when he saw Loki vaguely uncomfortable, it was him fighting against one. However that’s not as important as the fact that it was five in the morning, three hours after Loki had showed up at his door again (He needed a key at this point like Bruce does not want to stay up that much okay?) and three hours before Loki normally woke Bruce up with the smell of food or the sounds of curtains being drawn. Bruce had woken up, mildly upset by a dream he couldn’t remember and had wandered into the hallway, where he had heard a peculiar sound.

Normally, when Loki had panic attacks in Bruce’s home (He’d had two prior) He just sat in the bathroom and rode it out, trying very hard to breathe. Usually he’d vomit, sometimes he’d just shake afterwards. The vomiting really wasn’t as often as one would think. More often then Peter knew, Loki was sure of that, since unnecessarily worrying Peter was one of his definite not-to-do’s and he still considered the attacks trivial.

Another thing, a rather new thing now, was that he’d begun to vomit blood. It was a little at first, barely noticeable. But now, it stained his vomit pink and filled his mouth with it’s taste. He’d gag afterwards, still able to smell the bile and blood. He would sometimes cry, knowing the reason behind the blood. He’d assumed it would happen, he knew it would happen, but the sudden realization that it was happening had made him feel something rather similar to fear. More so, he knew, he would normally feel disappointed. Sometimes angry. Other Times, sadness.

Loki was hyperventilating, his brain feeling like a shorted circuit. The walls were too small, the room was to small. He was dizzy and nauseous and he could his heart beating far, far, too quickly. He had his head between his legs, which he had been told helps. It seemed to be doing close to nothing as he tried to breathe. He couldn’t do anything, or even move. He wasn’t sweating a lot, which was a bonus because sometimes he would. He did, however, have tears streaming from his eyes like rivers as he fought rather hard to breathe.

So of course, when Bruce opened the door, Loki didn’t notice. Loki was far too busy hyperventilating and having, well, a panic attack. Loki hated panic attacks, well, actually, he also hated any sort of attack, but he figured panic attacks were the worse. Since generally, panic attacks were untriggered. This one was triggered so he figured it might be an anxiety attack but he didn’t care since he was still actually experiencing the attack, and its classification was rather unimportant in his mind. Well, choking at this point. He was still nauseous and sick and his heart was going to quick. He could feel what he hoped was the attack fading, but he figured it might just be his stomach telling him to get to a toilet and quick.

Bruce had actually stood there for a second, not sure what to do. That was until he realized Loki couldn’t seem to breathe. So naturally, he sat down in front of Loki and did what he was taught to do. Well, not taught, more like sneakily instructed by Peter once while they were hanging out at the avengers tower. It was actually a rather strange occurrence, practically being sneak attacked by the intern and then being told how to help someone through panic attacks with only vague reasonings as to why he was being taught in the first place. He took Loki’s wrist, held them and told Loki to breathe.

After a few minutes, Loki began to breathe normally and calm down considerably, Loki vomited. Then he cried. Then he freaked out because Bruce had just seen him have a panic attack. Which lead to a looping cycle in which he worried and cried and felt generally miserable. Bruce was kind in helping him, but Loki eventually managed to stop the crying and vomiting and gagging and dry heaving. He soon flushed the toilet. 

He was spent and tired but afraid to got to the couch and sleep. Probably because of the nightmare which caused this whole stupid mess, but also because being alone at this moment was daunting to him and he figured he’d fall asleep in the bathroom again like last time. He could feel himself nodding off when Bruce put a hand on his shoulder.

“Loki? Do you want me to walk you to the couch?” Bruce asked quietly and Loki shook his head. He didn’t want to be alone when he slept. But he preferred the bathroom over the couch at the moment. Perhaps because going to the couch required moving, and moving was also an incredibly daunting task. Also, a rather tiring task.

“Do you want to sleep here?” Came Bruce’s next question. Bruce was not going to let this happen, but he needed to know. Loki nodded. “Why?”

Loki’s face flashed with a pain that made Bruce want to hug him. Loki shook his head before parting his lips to speak. He found he couldn’t find an answer he particularly wanted to say, and just opened and closed them a few times. Bruce was too busy being concerned to stare at the lips. Bruce found a solution he liked.

“Do you want to sleep in my room? We don’t have to sleep together on the bed, but I don’t like you sleeping here.” Loki nodded at the question, letting himself get helped up. He walked quietly behind.

When they got to the room, Loki rolled onto the bed and before Bruce could lay on the floor, or set up a sleeping bed, he grabbed Bruce’s wrist. Bruce looked at him questioningly. Loki pulled him into the bed silently and closed his eyes. Bruce took this as his cue to, (much more quickly and happily than he should have) lay next to Loki. A few seconds later and an arm was on his waist, and although they were lying uncomfortably far from each other (Around a foot away from each other), untouching save for Loki’s arm draped over Bruce’s waist, they passed out.

When Loki woke up, she was hit by a massive wave of dysphoria. Not only that, but she found herself with her body smooshed with Bruce’s. Bruce was asleep and Loki quickly but surely got out of the bed, making sure not to wake the other as she crept out of the room. She made her way to the kitchen, where she set out to making breakfast. Which was a skillet. She made hash browns and various meats and cheese and she threw them in the oven. She then decided to go clean out a closet in the hallway, which smelled like what was hopefully nothing more than mold or stinky shoes. She opened the door, wrinkling her nose at the rather fetid smell, and grabbed the trash can from the kitchen. She brought it over and began to sort through the trash in the closet.

After a few minutes, the trash was cleaned out pretty quick. She took out the trash and febreezed the shit out of the closet, and found it was relatively clean. She headed towards the bathroom to clean it, which she did in half an hour. When she was done, she washed her hands. Looking up at the mirror she fought back a gag at the completely masculine appearance that   
stared back. Her mind served to further her dysphoria and she fought back a sob. Drying her hands she hurried to take out the trash and put the trash can back. Taking the food out of the oven she set it on the stove and turned on the coffee maker.

Bruce walked down just as the coffee had finished. Loki had been sitting on the counter, clutching onto the edge and shaking slightly. Bruce’s eyebrows furrowed at the sight. He walked over, standing in front of Loki. Loki looked back, and Bruce got lost in her eyes.

“Are you okay?” He asked, unsure of what to do. What he thought he should do was talk, but what he wanted to do varied from him placing a hand on Loki’s thigh to provide a level of intimacy to his comfort - and then went up a few levels to him kissing Loki. Bruce wondered if this strangely growing attraction would become a problem soon, but opted to ignore this in order to pay attention to Loki.

“No,” Loki replied honestly. She looked at Bruce, trying to read him. “I’m not right in this body.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not-” Loki’s breath hitched then as she squeezed her eyes shut. She sighed quietly. “I’m not a man at the moment.”

“What are you then?” Bruce was confused but he thought he understood. A few times he had heard Loki correct Bruce when he used a pronoun wrong. Generally, Bruce would just fix himself. He looked it up later and found that Loki’s gender swapped sometimes in the mythology. He assumed that Loki was genderfluid.

“A woman, or somewhere near that.” Loki responded. She hopped down from the counter, suddenly very close to Bruce. Bruce’s own breath hitched. Loki smirked playfully. Loki turned, grabbing a bowl and scooped herself various things for her skillet. She poured herself some coffee.

“Alright.” Bruce managed to say as he copied Loki. They sat on the couch, Loki on one end and Bruce on the other. Loki found the remote and turned on the tv, and they both sat silently.

Somewhere throughout the third episode of whatever they were watching, Loki swapped back to male. It was unnoticable really and he didn’t think about it until Bruce spoke.

“Loki?” Bruce said to the tv. Loki turned to face Bruce.

“Yes?” Loki questioned. He wasn’t sure what Bruce wanted to talk about.

“Can we talk about last night?” Bruce hoped he wasn’t stepping over a boundary. Loki suddenly couldn’t eat.

“What is there to say?” He finally asked.

“You had a panic attack.” Bruce stated. “How long have you been having them?”

“A year.” Loki said quietly, feeling sort of small. “They began a little bit after….” Loki’s voice faded off as his mind slipped into a memory.

~  
Loki sat quietly, as quietly as possible. That was the rule. Everytime he made even a slight sound he would feel it, the complete pain. Like fire in his veins. Loki’s throat was dry and he wanted so much to speak. His throat hurt from screaming. He had learned quickly that the more he screamed, the more pain would follow.  
~

Loki clamped his mouth shut as he shook the memory away but he was suddenly stuck in another one.

~  
Loki struggled, he screamed, begging for them to stop. Stop touching him. He felt dirty and wrong and he wanted them to stop. Did he deserve this? Sobs ripped through as him as he clawed at the shoulders of his attackers. He was screaming and begging and sobbing.  
~

Loki stood up suddenly as the room suddenly seemed very small. He didn’t want to think about this.

~  
Loki was happy and bubbly, his mind high up above the clouds. Lazily he smiled as he stared at the ceiling. There was someone moaning, calling his name. He couldn’t feel anything but pleasure and he was floating. He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening to him, but he knew that the more they did it, the more money, and the more money, the more drugs he’d get. Loki smiled at the thoughts of drugs as something warm and dirty filled him. He was too high to care.  
~

Loki shook. Bruce stood up, afraid he’d done something. Loki’s mind closed up. He was shaking again and his heartbeat was suddenly loud and filling his ears. All he could think about was that horrible, dirty feeling as people did things to him he didn’t want. Bruce worried at the silence and how horribly Loki was shaking.

Then Loki was on the ground, and he realized he was crying as tears spilled from his eyes. He hugged himself as he quietly mumbled for them to stop touching him. Everything was spinning and all he could see and hear and feel was those disgusting hands. He was a god. How did he crash so far down?

Bruce watched as Loki sunk and watched Loki’s shoulders shake. He quickly managed to get to Loki, and wordlessly he pulled Loki towards him. Loki responded with a broken sob and he was suddenly struggling, mumbling “don’t touch me, please, stop, no.” And then Loki was gone, and all he could see were those horrible eyes and that perfect blonde hair.

~  
“We found a new one. You deserve this you know? This new one just loved the way you looked. He’s buying you as we speak.” The smile that could charm a snake into a trap. Loki shaking as he backed away wordlessly. Fear in every part of his system. The dirty smile from the man ‘buying’ him.

“You are nothing!” An enraged scream as Loki ran. Pain, so much pain. Then those hands and that face and a dirty feeling as he screamed for someone to help him. Begging, screaming for anyone, anyone to help. He had started screaming for his father at one point. He had curled up after, sobbing and quivering.

A sickness would spread and he’d claw at his body, where those hands had reached him. Sometimes retching as he sobbed and begged for someone to help him. His mind breaking and breaking more and more as all he could do was sob.  
~

“Loki? Loki!” Bruce’s voice was soft but firm and it was coaxing Loki from his memory driven madness. He was cowering and shaking and his throat hurt. He looked at Bruce and Bruce’s eyes calmed him a little as he let the sobs subside into hiccups.

“They’re going to take me again.” He whispered even though rationally he knew, he knew that they wouldn’t. Their last words to him rang sharp and clear in his mind.

~  
“I’m not afraid of this! I’ve already ruined you. Don’t worry, I’ll come back. Those you love will be mine!”  
~

“Who is? Loki? I’ll make you coffee, bring you a blanket.” Bruce responded. Loki watched Bruce stand and hold his hand out to Loki. Loki’s hands shook and he looked away. Bruce was patient and quiet and Loki found his hand in Bruce’s before he could register it. Then Loki was on the couch with a cup of coffee and a blanket and pillow. Then he and Bruce were sitting quietly on opposite sides of the couch.

The tv blasted a background noise as Loki stared at the tv, not processing what was going on it. His mind looped, he was a miserable, pathetic human. He used to be a god. He’d had dignity. He didn’t wake up in cold sweat with phantom hands touching him and a horrible feeling from nightmares of a time he couldn’t even speak of. He used to use magic! Now he was stuck here, with no one. Peter was going to leave and Bruce was only attracted to him. His father abandoned him and his brother hadn’t tried to contact to him and his mother. His mother was dead. 

Loki’s mind cracked a little more at that and then he was thinking of Bruce. Bruce, with his voice and his eyes. Bruce who he was slowly realizing he might love. Bruce who- Who was only attracted to him. Bruce who wouldn’t love him. Bruce who already wanted him gone. Bruce who had just seen him break down and earlier watched him through a panic attack.

Loki’s heart dropped like a stone as he realized; Bruce pitied him. Bruce was never going to look at him like Peter did. With understanding. Bruce who only wanted him around for eye candy and probably wants him gone now. Bruce who helped him through a panic attack and an episode. Bruce, who he wished would do something other than stare. Bruce, who he was beginning to hold as dear as Peter, despite only really knowing Bruce for a week and half.

Then he was thinking about Peter. Peter who he held near and dear, Peter who he even would go so far as to call a friend. Peter who understood the panic attacks. Peter who was- well, who was slowing boxing Loki out. Soon, Loki realized, Peter wouldn’t want to be around Loki because now, Loki realized, Peter was in love. Peter was in love with Wade and soon Peter wouldn’t want Loki around.

Really, who would want Loki around? Loki was sarcastic and always calm and had issues. Loki was broken and wasn’t even a god anymore. Loki who had dysphoria every day and Loki who couldn’t even live with a person two weeks before having panic attacks and breakdowns. Loki dug his fingernails into his palms, trying to knock himself out of the funk. But the looping kept going and Loki found himself pausing the tv screen.

Loki checked the time and realized he had to get to work. He got up. He looked at Bruce and a realization hit him full force. 

He loved Bruce.

“Bruce,” He squeezed out of his lips, “Will you take me to work please?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment pleeeeaaassseeee


End file.
